


The Other Shell Is Always Greener

by Crowdog



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Gap, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Drama, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 12:50:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14057355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowdog/pseuds/Crowdog
Summary: Being twenty and raising three younger siblings is tough, but he’s been doing his best for five years now. He doesn’t know why his fifteen year old brother Raph is so mad all the time. He’ll never meet a ten year old half as smart as Donnie, and every picture his five year old brother Mikey draws him will be his favorite. There’s no way life could be any different than this....right?





	The Other Shell Is Always Greener

**Author's Note:**

> Note for reading: This is leo-centric meaning any thoughts in Italics are his thoughts. Also there is no switched perspective. I hope that eliminates confusion.

“Weo! Weo! WeeeeeeOH!” the little voice whined as matching fists pounded on his upper plastron.

 

Mumbling he picked up the small turtle, sitting up he looked down at his baby brother “Good morning Mikey!” he said voice rough and dry from sleep.

 

“Ew morning breath” Mikey put his hands over his nose and squirmed out of his older brother’s grasp but returned all too fast “Weo I made you this” the toddler pushed a sheet of paper into his face. It was undoubtedly a family portrait. A big green oval with legs and a blue head represented him. A slightly smaller oval with a red head must be Raph, a smaller oval with a purple head was Donnie, and the smallest oval with an orange head was the artist himself.

 

“Wow, that’s great Mikey” Leo warmly told his little brother “You should hang this on the fridge!”

 

The little turtle took the piece of art happily and ran to the kitchen. _He’s fine, he’s safe, don’t worry_. Leo stood up and stretched, he felt like he hadn’t slept at all last night. Scavenging the night before he had managed to find some copper wire at a construction site but that was useless until he could sell it. On top of his lack luster haul from the previous night he also had a weird dream. One of those dreams his late father would tell him not to overthink. But shell, it felt real.

 

“Waphie! Give it back!” the shrill tantrum jutted Leo away from his dream. _What now?_ Entering the kitchen Raph stood with an angry stare on his face holding the art out of Mikey’s reach.

 

“Raph! Give that back to Mikey, now!” Leo said firmly in his best dad voice. The disgruntled teen looked up at him, fire in his eyes.

 

“Don’t talk to me like that, you’re not Dad!” Raph spat “and we aren’t hanging this on the fridge, snotty here forgot to draw our real Dad!”

 

 _This again._ “How is he suppose to draw our father if he doesn’t remember him?” Leo took the picture from Raph and handed it to Mikey who ran out of the room with it.

 

Raph huffed and rolled his eyes “Whatever, I’m going to Casey’s” he muttered while stomping out of the kitchen.

 

“He’s five Raph, you’re fifteen! Act your age for once!” Leo scolded. _Teenagers_.

 

“Oooooooooooh” Donnie taunted from somewhere in the lair. _Scratch that, children in general._

 

* * *

 

 

It was Saturday, so Leo was fine with Raph going to Casey’s and staying there all day. He was fifteen, and Leo was twelve when father allowed him to go on solo trips to the surface. Though in those times it was more out of dire need, and less of a privilege he was being granted. Through many discussions. _No, yelling matches_ . Leo agreed. _No, relented_. That Raph could go to the surface solo once he was fifteen.

 

Within two days he made a human friend. The only human in New York that was as angst ridden and short tempered as him. Thus the ungodly duo of Hamato Raphael and Casey Jones was born.

 

Stirring soup on the stove he looked over his shoulder at Donnie and Mikey. The latter unsurprisingly making another masterpiece, while the former tinkered with a simple science kit Leo had found on a scavenging trip. “Whatcha doing D?” he asked the purple masked turtle.

 

“I’m making a series circuit and ap-ap-pplying Ohm’s Law to c-c-calculate and then measure readings of ampere and v-voltage!” Donnie replied excitedly pointing to a little battery and some wires.

 

 _No clue what you just said_. “That’s awesome Donnie!”

 

Leo served up soup to his younger siblings and kept his serving on the stove to stay warm. Mikey was still too little to navigate the complicated world of soup eating without help. Normally if Leo could get his siblings through breakfast and lunch, April could get them through dinner and bed. However on the weekends, Leo was on deck the whole day.

 

 _Speaking of April I need to call her about a grocery haul_. After lunch he started to tidy up. Wiping down the table of soup remnants Leo made inventory of what they had and what they needed for the upcoming month. A task he’d been in charge of since he was Raph’s age, and now was still in charge of at twenty. List in hand he dialed April from his cell. A burner Mr. O’Neil had supplied them with.

 

April was a sweet girl, a mature sixteen year old and undoubtedly Leo’s hero. She babysat so often. At first it was her and Mr. O’Neil who would babysit all two (and then three) of his younger siblings when she was ten. But from ages fourteen to sixteen April had climbed down into the sewers every week night to babysit Raph, Donnie and Mikey. Though Raph started to argue the indignity of being babysat by someone only a year older than him. Raph lasted two scavenging trips at age thirteen before he realized his nights would be so much easier if he watched a Disney movie with his brothers and let his eldest brother scavenge alone.

 

Leo himself was no stranger to babysitting, he had been responsible many times for Raph and Donnie while their father went out. And before they even had Raph or Donnie, father had left Leo with Mr. and Mrs. O’Neil. He was five and April wasn’t even one when he first met her.

 

“Leo, you around?” April’s voice came from the front of the lair.

 

Leo, for the second time today found himself jutted away from his thoughts. “Yeah April, I’m just cleaning up the kitchen!” Leo walked out to greet her “I didn’t mean to imply you had to come and get the list right now, I was going to give it to you monday when you came to babysit”

 

April smiled and looked around making sure Donnie and Mikey were out of earshot “Actually I am not here for that, tomorrow’s Mikey’s Saving Day. Remember?”

 

 _Shit_ . “Oh right!” Leo smacked himself in the forehead. _Shit_.

 

“Yeah, so what kind of cake should we get?”

 

“What?” _This is why Raph was so mad this morning_.

 

April sighed “I know what you are thinking, but he’s old enough now to really remember a celebration like this. Come on, chocolate or vanilla?”

 

“April, I have the money for groceries, not a cake-” Leo began.

 

“Dad’s paying for it” April butted in.

 

“April-”

 

“No butts Leo! Dad’s paying for it” April stated firmly “it’s the least we can do”. She added the last part quietly.

 

“Hey, April, your family y-you’ve done so much for us, what happened to our dad” Leo took a breath “it wasn’t anyone’s fault”. _It was mine_.

 

“Okay, but we’re still getting you a cake for Mikey” April said.

 

“Alright, alright.” Leo chuckled “Can you get something with, like, orange frosting?”

 

“It’s November, Leo, there’s no way you are getting anything but orange” April smirked, she took the grocery list from Leo and left. “See ya tomorrow Leo, our place, 7pm, no butts!”

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m. Not. Going.” Raph lurched his sais at Leo, who blocked effortlessly.

 

Everyone but Raph was excited about Mikey’s Saving Day celebration at the O’Neils place.

 

“It will mean a lot to your younger brother if you’re there, Raph” Leo replied “hey watch your form”.

 

Raph was at least putting his all into training. Leo had required Raph to start ninjutsu at age eleven, four years later he was well versed in the art, and was quite skilled with his sais. It made Leo more comfortable with Raph going solo on the surface.

 

“Screw him” Raph spat.

 

“Hey!” Leo scolded “Raph! He’s your brother!”

 

“He’s the reason Dad’s dead!”

 

Leo sighed, rubbed his eyes “He was an infant when we rescued him from that Kraang lab, an infant”. _Just like you were when Dad saved you._

 

“Well why did he have to die to get him?” Raph yelled.

 

“I’ve told you this before Raph, it was a bad draw of the cards. Dad and Mr. and Mrs. O’Neil saved you. Dad and Mr.O’Neil saved Donnie, and Dad and I saved Mikey.” Leo spoke softer now. Two of the people he just mentioned were dead. “The Krang were more prepared for Dad and I”

 

Raph stopped and looked down at the floor of the Dojo pouting. Leo kneeled in front of him. “Don’t blame Mikey for Dad’s death. They knew we would come for him” _They knew we’d never let one of our own suffer again._ “It was a trap, it wasn’t anyone’s fault”. _It was mine._

 

“Whatever” Raph stood up and wiped a tear from his face before running out of the Dojo into his room.

 

_I’m so bad at this._

 

Leo ran through his own training before making dinner. It was best to let Raph cool down.

 

* * *

 

 

Much to his surprise, Raph did come out of his room for dinner. Probably because dinner was pizza, a rare treat when Leo could occasionally gather enough money on scavenging trips to pay for delivery. It was also Mikey’s favorite food.

 

It wasn’t terribly awkward. Donnie stuttered through a bunch of stuff he tinkered with that day earning him encouraging “oooohs” and “Ahhhhhs” from Leo.

 

And then the most amazing thing happened, while Leo was busy engaging Donnie he saw Raph rather begrudgingly use a plastic knife to cut a fresh piece of pizza into bite sized pieces for Mikey. _Maybe I did get through to Raph._ Leo smiled at Raph who just snorted in response to seeing Leo’s approval.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Dad, I’m not leaving without you”._

 

_“You have to Leonardo. Take him”. The small turtle bundled in a bleach white hospital blanket was pushed into his hands._

 

_“Father, no, I can’t leave you here”. Tears streamed down his face, soaking his blue mask. “I- I-”_

 

_“Leonardo, you must go now, time is running out, I can hold them off for only so long”. His father gently pressed a kiss on his head before turning to the hoard of Krang Droids._

 

_As Leo ran down the corridors, the infant clutched to his chest his breathing was uneven. The smell of this place. He remembered all too well the experiments he had been subjected to, in a place just like this one ten years prior. If only he hadn’t froze back there._

 

_He turned a corner and Raph stood there, fifteen and mad. “You killed Dad!”_

 

_“Raph we have to get out of here!” Leo pleaded._

 

_“You just left our dad to die, Leo!” Raph screamed “I hate you and I hate that!” he pointed to the infant in his arms._

 

Leo jumped out of his bed, sweat beading on his neck and face. Breathing hard he put his hands on his head and tried to calm down. _Least the normal nightmares are back._

 

“Oh so that’s normal then?”

 

Leo spun around fast and felt his heart crawl into his throat. “What the hell! Who are you?”

 

The figure was in a dark grey cloak, and wore a mask. A deep blue mask with four eye holes, It sat on the bed as though it had been sitting there forever. “I’m hurt you don’t remember, but not surprised” the figure replied flatly playing with the edges of his bedding. The voice wasn’t male or female. It was like a crowd of people talking in perfect unison. It made Leo’s skin prickle.

 

“What?” Leo was freaking out, shell to his bedroom door, this thing wouldn’t leave the room alive.

 

“Don’t worry.” the figure said “I mean no harm to your brothers” the figure glanced around the room. “So how do you like it?”

 

“Like it? Like what?”

 

“This universe. The age gap. You truly are the older brother now, no question about it.”

 

Leo raised his brow “What?”

 

The figure sighed “I gave you what you wanted, or at least what you thought you wanted” with a chuckle the figure added “I’m sure you’ll remember soon enough”.

 

* * *

 

 

Leo woke with a start earning him tiny whines as the two kids sleeping on him awoke.

 

“Five more minutes” Donnie whined.

 

Leo shook his head and stood up from the couch. Looking back the pieces fell into place. After their pizza, he popped in a movie. How To Train Your Dragon _, thank you April for that recommendation._ And they had all fallen asleep in a pile in the living room. Donnie and Mikey had fallen asleep in his arms, and Raph being too old to sleep in the arms of anyone, slept in the armchair close by. He readjusted the blanket on Donnie and Mikey before nudging Raph awake.

 

“Come on ninja, training then breakfast” Leo whispered.

 

Raphed moaned “I don’t wanna…”

 

“Yeah, guess I wouldn’t want to fight me either.” Leo teased as he walked towards the dojo, knowing Raph wouldn’t ignore a direct challenge like that. The sound of Raph jumping up confirmed it. _Too predictable Raph_.

 

* * *

 

 

Leo found some rare downtime after breakfast. Raph and Donnie were playing video games and Mikey was down for a nap. He decided to meditate in the dojo.

 

He tried not to give much power to dates, but today was November 30th. 2017. This day, five years ago, he brought Mikey home. It was also the same day their father died. For years Leo had tried to meditate and speak with his father. Wishing he could say goodbye properly, or ask for guidance on how to raise his younger siblings. Today however he needed someone to translate these weird dreams he had been having for the past week.

 

Like most of Leo’s dreams, they were memories that would become twisted by some underlying fear. Those he could deal with. The ones that he could not were the ones that felt like memories, but were actually impossible.

 

Inhaling deeply Leo brought to the forefront of his mind the first dream. While the details were not there the essential parts were.

 

In Leo’s dream his brothers and him were all the same age. He was still referred to as the oldest, but maybe by a month not five years. Donnie and Mikey were as old as Raph was now, and Leo was the same age as Raph. They were all teenagers at the same time. In the dream father was alive. He was instructing them in sparring with each other.

 

Looking back Leo remarked how skilled Donnie had wielded a Bo Staff, and how fluidly Mikey swung nunchucks. Perhaps the dream was just a sign as to what weapons he should train his younger siblings on. Donnie would soon be old enough to train with a weapon.

 

Leo would have accepted that logical explanation had the dream not felt so real. Part of him scratched the inside of his brain, screaming that this was a memory. That this dream actually happened. But that was impossible. He’d always been the eldest brother by five years.

 

When more of these dreams surfaced Leo had found himself yearning for the return of his usual nightmares. His father dying. The scientists inserting probes and needles into various places when he was four and wide awake to feel all of it.

 

Another dream, he and his same aged brothers fought a giant mutated weed. Donnie had saved April from falling out of a helicopter. Leo tried to tell himself his subconscious was just noticing the fact that the real Donnie, his Donnie, who was ten and too smart for his own good, had a crush on the babysitter.

 

Yet he could not shake the feeling of those events having actually happened.

 

“LEO” _Great timing Raph_.

 

“I’m in the dojo Raph, what’s up?” Leo called back towards the living room.

 

“MIKEY IS AWAKE AND WANTS LUNCH” Raph yelled.

 

Leo smiled and got up. _There’s no way life could be any different than this._

 

* * *

 

 

With two rowdy turtles and one sulky turtle close by, Leo led his hodge podge family through the sewers to the manhole that would be closest to the O’Neil residence. It was chilly out, so Leo had wrestled a non-compliant Mikey into a pull over hoodie that was oversized so much that it hung down to his knees. Donnie willingly wore a rain poncho but only because he wanted his bookbag to stay dry, other than that he was naked down to his shell. _At least he has priorities?_ While Donnie and Mikey were excited with the prospect of cake and sugar coated sugar, Raph seemed sad and distant. Kicking any rock he came across with all his teenage might. Surprisingly he wore a leather jacket. A real one he had found on the surface, though Leo suspected he stole it. _A fight for another day._

 

Once to the O’Neil’s, Leo hurdled his family into their backyard. Which really meant keeping a firm hold on Mikey who was in his arms and using his other hand to lead a gob stopped Donnie to their destination. Being so near winter, the sun had been down for an hour allowing him to safely knock on the backdoor without being spotted by neighbors.

 

Mr. O’ Neil opened the door immediately allowing them in, saving his greeting for when all of them were safely inside. “The Hamato’s! On time as always!” the man said with a smile pulling Raph into a half hug that the teen bared through. Leo let go of Donnie’s hand so he could wander the house and set Mikey down before getting his very own Kirby O’Neil hug.

 

“The trick is setting the clocks ahead ten minutes” Leo replied “But don’t tell them I do that”.

 

Kirby laughed. “April is setting the table, Casey is going to arrive in about a half hour. He'll probably disappear with Raph and play video games in the basement, unsocial teenagers.”

 

“Thank goodness” Leo sighed following Kirby into the kitchen “Raph needs the distraction”.

 

Kirby’s smile faltered a little “Well, yeah, he took it pretty hard.” the man said in a more fatherly advice voice. Leo would take offence to the tone, but he actually did need another perspective.

 

“He doesn’t blame Mikey, not really, I think he blames me more than anything”

 

“Well he was ten, you remember what it’s like to be ten?” Leo nodded as Kirby continued “Now imagine being ten and your dad is there one day and gone the next”. _Is this really a good time for a lecture?_

 

“I-”

 

“No, Leo let me finish.” Kirby held up a polite hand. “Then to add insult to injury, your once cool, and yes Raph used to think the world of you, big brother turns into the new dad.” Kirby put a hand on his shoulder “then you’re told to just accept, with open arms, a new family member.”

 

Leo was silent for a moment. “He’s still grieving?”

 

“Well, yeah” Kirby look up at Leo “Your father wouldn’t want you guys to spend today grieving him, I know that’s what you’ll tell Raph, but that’s not what he needs to hear”.

 

Before Kirby could continue April came into the kitchen to talk about dinner and the after dinner activities she had planned. All designed to keep Donnie and Mikey preoccupied until bedtime. _April is my hero._

 

Dinner was great, everything was made from scratch and it was a pleasant change from the condensed soups and packaged meals Leo usually put together. The cake, even he had to admit there was something magical about it. It was frosted in white with orange, red and yellow leaves. In orange frosting it said “Happy 5 Year Anniversary Mikey!”. Leo mused that it was technically more accurate than a Happy Birthday cake.

 

Using a wet cloth to clean up Mikey after he chose to eat his cake face first was not as magical. _Was I like this when I was five? No, I was strapped to a table most of the time._ He cringed inwardly, the dark thoughts were surfacing again. He’d meditate once everyone was in bed.

 

Apparently How To Train Your Dragon had a sequel. Which was great because everyone wanted to watch. Even Raph and Casey came up from the basement to watch the movie.

 

* * *

 

 

At some point Leo must have fallen asleep because he was jutted awake by someone kicking his foot.

 

“Leo, bro are you asleep?” Mikey was laying in front of the TV on his belly, head propped on his elbows. And he was bigger, older somehow.

 

“Mikey?...uhhh” Leo started and then stop. His voice was high pitched. He stood up and looked down, he no longer seemed to be the six foot three, two hundred and fifty pound turtle he was moments ago “Where’s Mikey?”

 

Older Mikey stared at him and laughed “Did you bump your head Leo? M’right here!” he pointed to himself.

 

“Yeah, you blind there Fearless?” a voice to his right said.

 

“Raph?”

 

“Is that a question? Leo are you okay?” Not Raph said the last part more seriously. Which was odd because his Raph didn’t know the meaning of serious unless it was paired with rage.

 

“Should I go get Donnie?” Older Mikey asked Not Raph.

 

Not Raph stood up and walked slowly over to him “Leo what day is it?”

 

Older Mikey left to get Donnie. _How was getting the ten year old going to solve this?_ Leo turned his thoughts back to Not Raph “It’s November 30th, 2017. Now who are you, who was that, and where the hell is my family?”

 

Not Raph took a step back as Leo’s voice became a near yell. “Uhhhh”

 

“What’s going on in here?” a third unfamiliar voice came in. _Donnie?_

 

The tall, lanky turtle cautiously entered the room. “Hey Leo, uh Mikey said you needed me?” Tall Donnie was squinting at him.

 

Leo had it now. “You’re not Donnie” Tall Donnie looked concerned.

 

“Leo, it’s me, Donnie” Tall Donnie looked at Not Raph and Older Mikey “Your brother.”

 

“You’re. Not. Donnie” Leo seethed. The O’Neil’s house shook. Leo turned on Not Raph “You're. Not. Raph. And. That’s. Not. Mikey.” A crack ripped through the ceiling and everyone but Leo looked up.

 

“Oh, okay I get it now” Tall Donnie smirked.

 

“Get what? Donnie what’s going on?” Not Raph asked

 

Leo was breathing hard now but he kept his mouth shut.

 

“Oh we aren’t real, this is Leo’s dream” Tall Donnie turned to look at Leo “Just your unconscious mind trying to work through some stuff Leo”

 

The side wall of the O’Neil’s house fell clean off. Everyone jumped a little.

 

“If this is a dream” Older Mikey began slowly “...then am I going to melt?”

 

Tall Donnie looked slightly annoyed “Why would that be your first concer-”

 

“AHHHHH. AHH. I’M MELlting” Older Mikey screamed as he began melting “i’m…..melting…”

 

“Great Leo, you melted Mikey, just wake up already and try to forget your real family all over again” Tall Donnie lifted his leg to avoid getting melted Older Mikey on him.

 

“You’re not my real family!” Leo shouted. The house moaned like it was being pushed over slowly.

 

Not Raph sighed “Stubborn as always fearless, just like when we were kids”

 

Leo’s mind raced, suddenly flooded with memories of tag in the lair. They were all there. Mikey, Donnie, Raph and him all playing tag. Nights spent curled up next to their father as he told them a story. The time Raph accidentally hit Mikey instead of him, so Raph and him spent the whole day doing whatever Mikey wanted because they felt bad.

 

Leo grabbed his head and sunk to his knees “No no no get out of my head” he was sobbing now. His heart hurt, he felt sick.

 

“Come on Fearless, stop this and come home” Not Raph was next to him, putting a comforting hand on his shell. Leo smacked it away immediately.

 

“Don’t. Touch. Me.” He snarled through broken sobs. He closed his eyes and felt the roof of the O’Neil’s house fly off.

 

“You have such a strong bond with your siblings”

 

Leo looked up he knew that voice, well he knew those voices.

 

The figure stood in front of him. “They care very deeply for you. Why did you want so badly to forgo that?"

 

* * *

 

 

The slamming door woke Leo up suddenly.

 

“Raphael get bac- Mr. Jones stop, don’t, Argh!” Kirby’s voice seemed miles away.

 

Leo started to get up “Woah, what’s going on?” April was comforting Mikey who was crying, Donnie was hiding behind the couch with an encyclopedia of all things. _Again, priorities with that kid._

 

She frantically looked up from Mikey “I’m so sorry Leo, I totally forgot about that scene” she turned back to Mikey, rubbing his shell “It’s okay, Raphie isn’t mad at you.”

 

“They just ran towards Sherman street, I think Casey is going after him” Kirby came into the living room out of breath “I am not what I used to be, I couldn’t follow-”

 

“What scene?” Leo asked cutting Kirby short.

 

“Uh, Hiccup’s dad dies” April said. “Raph just got up and stormed out right after the scene. I’m sorry Leo, I messed up I forgot that happened-”

 

“April don’t, don’t, that’s not your fault” Leo ran his hand over his face “I gotta go track him down, Kirby would you please watch Mikey and Donnie?”

 

“Yes of course” both O’Neil’s responded in unison. _Heroes. The both of them._

 

Leo started towards the backdoor when the phone rang, Kirby picked it up on the first ring.

 

“Leo get back here it’s Casey on the phone” Kirby called after him. Leo hadn’t even left the yard, he spun on his heel and almost trampled Kirby grabbing the landline from him.

 

“Leo, shit, Raph stole a car!” Casey sounded panicked.

 

“Where are you?” Leo asked trying to sound calm but it came out as choking panic. _He stole a car. He’s driving. Someone saw him._

 

“I uhh-” sounded as though the teenager was spinning around looking for a street sign “-look Leo he’s gone I don’t even know which way he went after he turned the bloc-”

 

“Just did he say anything?” Leo interrupted.

 

“No he didn’t say a word” _Shit. Shit. SHIT._ He handed the phone back to Kirby. Kirby ended the call.

 

Leo took some deep breaths. Then something in him clicked. “I know where he’s headed” Leo looked at Kirby.

 

“I’ll get my keys”

 

* * *

 

 

Modern vehicles were uncomfortable to ride in for Leo, but seeing as he couldn’t possibly catch up to Raph on foot he didn’t have another option.

 

Adrenaline kept him present. Raph was impulsive, and too cocky for his own good. But he was sentimental. A softy underneath a red hot exterior.  That was why they were driving to the place Dad died.

 

Which was now, five years after the place had burned down, a Walgreens.

 

Though Casey hadn’t told them what the car looked like, or even a model, both Kirby and Leo spotted the same beat up minivan parked on the curb at the same time. They also both spotted the turtle form on the roof of the store.

 

Leo rubbed his face “Mr. O’Neil, what am I supposed to say to him?”

 

“Nothing” Kirby replied.

 

“What do you mean nothing?”

 

“Maybe try listening to him” Kirby sighed. “When my wife died, we were blessed and cursed with the knowledge that she wouldn’t see her next birthday” he paused and looked at the steering wheel “when she passed I found letters, notes, things she’d wrote out when she was dying for months. You’d think she told me how to raise April, or be a good dad.”

 

“And?”

 

“Well most of it was stories, memories she wanted April to know of. Only one piece of parental advice. She just told me to listen” Kirby smiled and laughed “And excuse my French Leo, I thought that was some horseshit advice. But then April was eight, and even though she knew her mom was gone and had been gone for years. She was sad, and angry. I explained over and over what had happened.”

 

Leo looked up at Raph on the roof while Kirby continued.

 

“...but April didn’t need facts. She needed someone to listen.”

 

Leo didn’t say anything. He nodded at Kirby and stepped out of the car.

 

“I’m gonna head back to our place, Leo. Call if you want a ride” Kirby gave Leo a thumbs up before starting the car and leaving.

 

Leo easily ascended the building, approaching Raph with loud footsteps to alert him to his presence.

 

“Ge’ out of ‘ere, Leo!” Raph’s voice was wet.

 

 _I can’t_. Leo sat down next to Raph putting his shell up again the same vent Raph was sitting against.

 

“Don’t you have to go take care of Donnie and Mikey?”

 

Leo didn’t say anything.

 

“If you’re here to chew me out over the car, stuff it in your shell.”

 

Leo smiled slightly to himself. _No but I am going to chew out Casey for teaching you how to drive._

 

Raph ran his arm across his eyes, wiping away tears “this is it huh? Last thing dad ever saw?”

 

_Not exactly, more like the last place he was alive._

 

“I was so excited when we found out about Mikey” Raph looked up at Leo “I really was. Another brother to play with”

 

“You were?” Leo asked a little surprised. Raph had only tolerated Mikey since he was brought home.

 

Raph sniffled. “Yeah, I was there when Dad got the phone call from Mr. O’Neil.”

 

Leo hummed in response.

 

“I was, I was going to be the big brother now. Like a real one. Because Donnie was more interested in books than me. But Mikey, he’d be fun, and he’d think I was his cool older brother”

 

Leo nodded.

 

“You were the cool older brother, and then Mikey ruined it!” Raph raised his voice a little. “Dad died and you just stopped being my big brother, Leo!”

 

“I didn’t mean for that to happen-”

 

“I know, I know. And I’m not dense Leo, I know you had to” he sighed “it’s just not fair. I have no one now.”

 

Leo stayed quiet.

 

“I can’t talk to you like your my big brother because you're not the same, and you aren’t ever gonna be like dad, so I can’t pretend ya are!” Raph voice shook “Donnie tries to understand, but he only remembers part of what dad looked like. I have no one to talk to Leo!”

 

Leo looked down, ashamed.

 

“Casey gets it, I think. I talk to Casey a lot because he’s my age. And you forget what it’s like being fifteen Leo.”

 

“You implying I’m old?” Leo said with a hint of humor.

 

“Yeah I am”

 

“Look, Raph, I’m sorry. I’m sorry dad died when you were so young, I couldn’t imagine losing him when I was ten. I barely kept myself together when he died and I was fifteen, Raph, fifteen.” he put an arm around Raph “I was scared of messing it up. I was scared we would die without him. I was terrified of raising Mikey without him to guide me. And you and Donnie were so tiny, and just helpless. One wrong step, one enemy coming across our home, and we’d be done for”

 

“I miss him” Raph said quietly.

 

“Me too. Everyday” Leo hugged Raph, and Raph hugged him back.

 

“And I miss you” Raph added.

 

 _Ouch_. “I know, and I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty older brother.” he squeezed Raph tighter “I’m sorry I thought I could just replace the void dad left in our lives and you’d be okay”

 

Leo had no clue how long they sat there. His gut ached like something was wrong with this situation. He’d swallowed rocks and they sat on his gut, pulling him down. Looking across the roof he saw rooftops where him and his brothers would leap and jump after Foot Soldiers. Those were just dreams. He saw the park where Mikey taught Donnie how to shred a railing with his board. How they all cheered when Donnie finally got it down. How proud Mikey was for teaching something to the genius. Those were just dreams. The dreams that kept him up at night.

 

Sometimes realization is like a satisfying click. Other times it’s having your ribs crushed.

 

Leo squeezed his eyes shut “Hey Raph” he broke into their silence “you want to visit dad?”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, he’s not buried here. He’s buried at the O'Neil's Farm house, three hours upstate” Leo never acted on impulse, but maybe this was what Raph needed. And what he did now didn’t matter anyways.

 

“Seriously?” Raph asked earnestly.

 

Leo looked down into the parking lot. “The minivan is still here. You got the keys still?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“Then let’s go see dad”

 

* * *

 

 

“You remember now, don’t you?” the figure mused.

 

_“Why should we listen to you!?”_

 

_“Because I’m the leader, Raph!”_

 

_“Well I’m the better ninja!”_

 

_“Sensei chose me!”_

 

_“Yeah, well, Sensei chose wrong!”_

 

Leo gripped the steering wheel firmly. “Yeah, I remember”.

 

“Care to fill me in, I do love hearing about myself from the perspective of mortals” the figure calmly asked. It sat in the passenger seat of the minivan.

 

Leo looked at Raph through the rear view mirror. Kid was out like a light twenty minutes into the drive.

 

“Don’t worry, he’s asleep, and even if he wasn’t, figments of your mind can’t interact with me”.

 

Leo huffed “You in my head or something?”

 

“Did you ask that seriously?”

 

“Fair enough” Leo responded tightly.

 

The figure looked out the window. “Whenever you are ready”.

 

“Okay” Leo took a breath “I’m not here right now. I’m in the dojo meditating” Leo paused. “No, I’m in Donnie’s lab, and everyone is freaking out”

 

“Very good, brighter than you look, how did you know that?”

 

“If what I understand about meditation, and what I think you are, is correct then time is constant. So I have been meditating since 3am November 29th, 2017. Now it’s 1am on December 1st, 2017. That’s nearly three days of meditation” _Shit they’ll have my shell when I come out of this_ “So everyone is worried”

 

The figure continued looking out the window.

 

“I got mad at my brothers” Leo started. He felt embarrassed. Part of him was twenty and this petty feud over leadership was so damn childish. But then again he wasn’t really twenty. This was just a meditation induced hallucination. _That sounds like a band Raph would listen to_. “Raph in particular” he added.

 

The figure didn’t reply. Just waved an appendage in a “go on” type fashion.

 

“I was mad because while I’m the leader, they’re always disobeying my orders because I’m the same age as them” _This is so stupid_ “So I went and meditated and I remember now!” Leo was getting louder, angrier. “You were there! When I was meditating. I was floating and then you were there!”

 

“That is both incorrect and correct, I’m am neither here or there, I simply am”

 

“Whatever, point is this is your fault. You made this hallucination for me!” Leo laughed “And for what? All this work, all this detail and backstory for a lesson?”

 

“Oh, so you’ve learned your lesson?”

 

“I have” Leo snapped.

 

“Care to share it with me?”

 

_Shit._

 

The figure turned towards Leo “That’s what I thought” and disappeared.

 

_You motherfu-_

 

“Hey how much longer?” Raph groggily asked from the back seat.

 

Leo considered not responding. This Raph isn’t real, but he still had this need, this urge, to fix his fake relationship with his fake younger sibling. “Uh I’d say an hour or so more, since I’m speeding.”

 

“You? Speeding? Who are you and what have you done with Leo?” Raph laughed.

 

Leo fought back a pained laugh, the irony was going to kill him before this hallucination did. “Well this is important” _Is it?_ “And I want to get back before sun-up.”

 

Raph hummed at that. “Who taught you to drive?”

 

“Dad did”

 

The silence was deafening.

 

“Oh” Raph scrunched his forehead “who taught dad to drive?”

 

“I think his dad did along with his adopted brother, but in Japan people mostly use public transportation anyways. Mr. O’Neil filled in the gaps dad couldn’t recall” Leo stopped suddenly, it was weird knowing all this but also knowing it wasn’t real. “Why the sudden fascination?”

 

“I ‘unno, I just, I always wondered. So why was dad in Japan?”

 

“That’s where he lived with his wife and daughter before coming to New York”

 

“He had a wife!? He had a daughter!?” Raph was wide awake now.

 

“Yeah” Leo grimaced, he kind of assumed Raph knew these things, though now that he really thought about it, he was ten, dad wouldn’t have brought this up to Raph at such a young age.

 

“Why didn’t he tell me this stuff?”

 

Leo sighed “It was, sensitive you know. His wife died, and his daughter too, we think, never got a confirmation on how her mutation went.”

 

Raph looked a little less righteously indignant and more sad “Oh, that sucks”

 

* * *

 

 

After getting to the farm house it was late. And too dark to see, let alone find the unmarked grave of their father. Luckily this minivan had five flashlights, and three soccer uniforms. Then Leo felt guilty, because then Raph probably scared the crap out of a really normal person stealing this car.

 

“Why have we never been here before? This place is sweet!” He beamed his flashlight around.

 

Leo grinned, seeing the dark outline on the tire swing he used to abuse for days on end “Actually Raph, you have been here. You were here about two years”

 

“Why didn’t we stay here?” Raph started to follow Leo as he walked towards the area he knew dad was.

 

“Well, it’s really exposed for one” Leo looked around a little warily “and also, Mrs. O’Niel’s oncologist wanted her closer to the clinic”

 

The were silent for a few minutes while Leo brushed away leaves until he found the smooth brown rock they’d used as a headstone. Leo sat down cross legged in front of the grave and motioned for Raph to do the same.

 

“I wish I remembered this place” Raph added.

 

“Well I was only here a half a year before you, and let me tell you, it wasn’t like you were doing a lot of noteworthy things”

 

“You were only here six months before me?”

 

“Yeah” Leo added, more serious now.

 

Raph didn’t say anything more for a bit, it didn’t need to be said outright. “I just always assumed…”

 

“Yeah” Leo sighed. “There was so much dad wanted to show you, and tell you. So much he wanted you to understand about our family”.

 

Raph was silent.

 

“And I’ve really dropped the ball with you. You’re my closest sibling, and I’ve been treating you like a child. You, Donnie, Mikey and I. We aren’t suppose to be parents to each other, we’re suppose to be there for each other.”

 

The world started to fog up and fade away but Leo kept talking.

 

“I was wrong to think things would be easier if there was more of an age gap” Leo placed his face into hands “I’m in charge but I might as well be alone for how estranged I am from my own brothers”

 

* * *

 

 

_Why am I so heavy?_

 

_Why does everything ache?_

 

He started to move only to hear a voice, a yell and a firm hand press him down.

 

“LEO” Donnie shouted. Then paused and in a much softer voice added “please refrain from moving.”

 

Leo did as he was told.

 

He heard more people enter the room but his mind drifted away and he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

“Meditation isn’t sleep-”

 

“-is he sleeping now?”

 

“Maybe”

 

“Whadda ya mean maybe?”

 

“-when will he wake-”

 

“I’m gonna kill him-”

 

“-meditating. Of all things to take Leo down for a week is was meditating”

 

“That’s not how irony works, Mikey” Donnie replied flatly “Now do you have any twos?”

 

“Nope! Go fish!”

 

“Dammit” Leo felt someone touch the front of his shell. “If you’re cheating again I swear-”

 

“Are you two playing Go-Fish on my shell?” Leo croaked.

 

Both on them jumped. “LEO!” Mikey yelled, throwing his arms around him. “You’re back!”

 

“Don’t move yet Leo I need to check your vitals-”

 

“Leo? Leo what’s wrong dude?” Mikey’s soft voice stopped Donnie’s motor mouth and he looked over. Leo was sobbing, silently, hand over his eyes. Mikey threw his arms back around Leo and held him tighter.

 

Donnie joined the group hug. Vitals and rightful chewing outs were for another time.

 

* * *

 

 

It took a few weeks for the teasing to die down, and to explain what had happened to his brothers. He managed to blow it off as a meditative nightmare that he barely could recall.

 

More importantly Leo made a decisive effort to bond more with his brothers, especially Raph. These efforts went mostly unnoticed, but Leo would rather they not realize and then start acting different because he was.

 

“So, what happened to you?” Raph pounced on him one night.

 

Leo almost stumbled off his skateboard. It was a quiet night and so as leader Leo declared they would spend their evening honing their skill in the fine art of doing tricks with their skateboards.

 

Something a Leo from a month ago would say is an immature waste of time.

 

“Uhhh” Leo saved himself from greeting the pavement “I- I just, I missed having fun with you guys and fooling around, is all”

 

“You were asleep or something for six days” Raph sounded suspicious.

 

“It felt longer” Leo said, watching Mikey and Donnie tagging each other on their boards. For how tall Donnie was he was amazingly fluid.

 

“Well you’re acting strange” Raph snorted.

 

Leo grinned teasingly “Oh so you want to go do some training exercises now?”

 

“What!? No! This is fine, I’m cool with this on the quiet nights!” Raph quickly backstepped. “Just, I missed you too, we all did and now your back but you act different”

 

Leo didn’t say anything. He just continued watching Donnie and Mikey play tag. Half amazed they were fifteen now. _Six days for you guys, a lifetime for me._

 

Raph got back on his board and joined his younger siblings. Leo did some katas not wanting to call everyone home just yet.

 

* * *

 

 

Leo woke up one morning sweating through his sheet and heart beating out of his shell. It had been six weeks since his “meditation induced hallucination” but the effects still lingered. Particularly the graphic nightmares his twenty year old counterpart seemed to have suffered with.

 

Unable to fully scrape the residual imaged from his mind Leo dashed for the bathroom and upheaved bits of bile and snot. He sat next to the toilet once he was done and wrapped his arms around his knees. He forced himself to take deep breaths. He forced himself to push away the feeling of tubes violating him, of various needles and probes. He breathed in and out reminding himself the sounds of electric shock were only in his head.

 

He was safe.

 

He was safe here, sitting next to the toilet with bile dripping down his chin.

 

He was safe. None of that stuff was real anyways. It was just a lesson.

 

He learned his lesson.

 

* * *

 

 

“-the bathroom again, puking and breathing hard”

 

Leo stopped outside the kitchen, it was Donnie’s voice. _Oh god Donnie saw me._

 

“Well, we can tell Sensei about it but Leo has completely clammed up about everything.” Raph replied.

 

“Yeah, look I don’t believe in all the meditative hooplah, but obvious whatever he saw, it is really messing with his head. May-”

 

“Good morning!” Leo said cheerfully. _Better to bust up your conversation now._ He entered the kitchen, trying to keep his hands moving. Trying to hide the shaking. “Oh Donnie, this is embarrassing but do you know if we still have any clorox?” Leo grimaced “I guess I have a stomach bug, I want to disinfect the bathroom this morning after what I did”

 

If they weren’t buying his white lie Leo couldn’t tell. Both of them looked concerned, but Raph was concerned and suspicious. While Donnie looked concerned and annoyed.

 

_Please just let me off easy today._

 

“Leonardo, my son, a word” Sensei’s voice made him jump. _Crap. When did you enter the kitchen? Why are you so silent? Why do I keep forgetting you are still alive?_

 

“Hai, Sensei” Leo followed his father out of the kitchen and into the dojo. He passed Mikey on the way.

 

“I’m sorry” Mikey mouthed.

 

Leo groaned internally. Donnie and Raph may have been conspiring to tell Sensei something was wrong, all while Mikey just went ahead and did it.

 

“Leonardo, please sit” Sensei closed the doors of the dojo before joining Leo on the floor. “I know you are ashamed of your meditative mishap, but this secretive behavior in both concerning to me as a father and a teacher.”

 

Leo swallowed.

 

“This is the time where you now speak” Sensei coaxed sternly.

 

“I-” Leo felt his throat close. _This was personal, this was stupid._ “I wasn’t gone three days, it was twenty years”

 

Sensei ears folded back, the impact of the statement hitting him fully.

 

“I can’t explain how, or why, but I woke up, and I was twenty” Leo stared at the floor. This was the first time he’d said that out loud. “And I had like twenty years worth of memories and experiences. Really horrible experiences in some cases, and really good ones too. It was like I had never not lived that life...does that make sense?”

 

The rat nodded, but kept silent.

 

Leo found that once he started talking, he didn’t want to stop. He laughed and told Sensei about the cute picture Mikey drew him. He regaled tales of having every baby proofed object in the lair being no match for a four year old Donatello.

 

He told Sensei how he died and how it was his fault. How Raph blamed him. How he tried to fix it before leaving.

 

He told him how he was with Sensei in a Kraang Lab being subjected to experimentation after experimentation. How sensei would sing Japanese lullabies from his cage to calm Leo down. How the O’Neil’s had been scientists that rescued them when he was five.

 

“I know it’s not real, dad” Leo let himself cry now, the dam had broken, his walls came crashing down “but those nightmares feel real”

 

They had talked well past lunch. Sensei only adding words of comfort when Leo had to break and focus on breathing.

 

“Why does it feel so real. Why so much detail just to teach me I should be grateful I am not older by years?” Leo voice was hoarse.

 

“I do not know my son” the rat was now holding his son’s trembling hands. “I’m sorry you have been going through so much hurt and inner turmoil over this”

 

Leo sniffled “Do you think it’s real? A version of us in a parallel universe?”

 

Sensei stayed quiet.

 

“There was so much detail, so much. What if it’s real? I worry about them. Is that stupid?”

 

Sensei stood up “It is best to think about where you are presently” As Leo stood up he pulled him into a hug. “You are here, with us, your family.”

 

Leo nodded into his father’s chest.

 

“It is best not to overthink it, my son”.

 

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Fanfiction is about being creative and sharing stories, so if this concept inspired you please feel free to use it!


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